By now, you’ve all heard the rumors, I’m sure. How the massive oil fields, despoiling the pristine earth lying deep beneath the frozen, barren tundra of the lonely coastal plains of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (known by its acronym ANWR), could save our planet. How, if only those whacko enviro-freaks, who are bent on ruining the lives of countless hard-working patriotic Americans, have consistently and ruthlessly undertaken to bully the American Congress and the oil industry into submission, and not allow the oil and natural gas that is currently being wasted underground to be extracted and delivered to gas stations across America.
I’m sure you’ve read the facts, and seen how, if the estimated 10 billion barrels of ANWR oil could be drilled and refined, gasoline prices at the pump would plummet; but not just the gas prices, the American economy would be saved from its current sinking state. You might think 10 billion barrels of oil wouldn’t be enough to have much impact on the price of oil in a global market that currently consumes over 2.5 billion barrels of oil per month – But you don’t understand about ANWR oil. You might think an oil supply that is, at best estimates, not expected to come online for 10 years, to have little effect on today’s economy – But you don’t understand new technology. And you don’t understand ANWR oil. You might expect drilling for oil in a pristine wildlife refuge to have drastic repercussions on the fragile ecosystem of the arctic coastal plain – But you don’t understand new technology, and you know nothing about ANWR oil. You might think the enormous, expansive infrastructure needed to extract and deliver oil from the arctic to the American consumer would be devastating to the wilderness of ANWR. But you don’t know anything. You probably think there’s no way the relatively small volume of oil from ANWR could save us from terrorism and make America safe again – but you don’t know anything about ANWR oil. You’ve probably been reading some of those lies spread by the tree huggers who have consistently bashed and beaten the American economy into a pitiful submission. You probably think a few thousand caribou and a great wilderness will be ruined in order that some struggling transnational corporation might continue it’s fight for survival in the brutal and harsh world of the economic market. But you don’t know anything.
Here are the facts: the oil from ANWR could easily lower gas prices, not just by a few cents per dollar, as those enviro-gangstahs would have us believe, but possibly by more than $3.00 a barrel. That’s right, the oil from ANWR could probably lower the price you pay at the pump to fill up your Hummer to under a $1.00 a gallon – probably around 0.87 cents a gallon, by my reckoning. Food prices would decrease. We could all use regular plastic bags at the grocery store instead of those ugly and cumbersome re-usable canvas bags, and live like “normal people” once again, by my reckoning. We wouldn’t have to recycle, we could just dump all our trash in one can, and have it hauled away somewhere. The housing market would recover, people forced from their homes by a suffocating economy could have their homes back, by my reckoning. The American economy would soar like an eagle. The world economy would rise to magical new heights. ANWR oil could lower gas prices, lower world crude oil prices, save the global economy, could reduce, if not completely negate, any dependence on Middle East terrorists, indeed all terrorists, and make the US, indeed the entire world, a safer place. ANWR oil could solve the illegal immigration problem, help reduce world poverty and hunger, wipe out Malaria, could guarantee every child receives a decent education, could reunite the Beatles, and remove ALL Reality TV from the networks. ANWR oil could fix Donald Trump’s hair. ANWR oil could make the coastal plain of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge a more beautiful place, could help us eliminate the spreading oil currently polluting the earth beneath the tundra, and could help give the oil industry a fair footing in the fight against the evils of these super powerful, all-pervasive environmentalists.
ANWR oil is superior in every way to normal oil. It’s not just oil, it’s magical, mythical, SUPER oil. You’ll see.
With American gas prices surging recently (I paid nearly $6.00 a gallon 2 weeks ago, on my way to the richest oil field in America), and Congress doing, as usual, nothing, I decided to do I always do – take matters into my own hands. These bureaucrats couldn’t sh** if you gave them a bucket of laxatives, and so the job must fall onto someone else’s shoulders. The sh** hit the fan, so to speak, and I knew I would have to do something. I’d venture forth and find the answers myself, and do what I could to help America. I decided to drill ANWR myself, and see what I found. I bought the latest in drilling equipment, and headed to the arctic, to the magical place of ANWR and it’s rich, flowing oil:
You’ve heard how much damage the drilling can do to the ecosystem, how the infrastructure needed for drilling will destroy the tundra, right? Wrong. Check out the latest in oil pumping technology. This rig can pump over 1 BILLION barrels of oil a day.
ANWR oil is so magical, so pure, so immaculate, it can be used as a form of birth control. But I won’t show you any of those pictures.