The Golden Oil of ANWR – it’s over!

oil in ANWR

Hey Folks,

By now, you’ve all heard the rumors, I’m sure. How the massive oil fields, despoiling the pristine earth lying deep beneath the frozen, barren tundra of the lonely coastal plains of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (known by its acronym ANWR), could save our planet. How, if only those whacko enviro-freaks, who are bent on ruining the lives of countless hard-working patriotic Americans, have consistently and ruthlessly undertaken to bully the American Congress and the oil industry into submission, and not allow the oil and natural gas that is currently being wasted underground to be extracted and delivered to gas stations across America.

I’m sure you’ve read the facts, and seen how, if the estimated 10 billion barrels of ANWR oil could be drilled and refined, gasoline prices at the pump would plummet; but not just the gas prices, the American economy would be saved from its current sinking state. You might think 10 billion barrels of oil wouldn’t be enough to have much impact on the price of oil in a global market that currently consumes over 2.5 billion barrels of oil per month – But you don’t understand about ANWR oil. You might think an oil supply that is, at best estimates, not expected to come online for 10 years, to have little effect on today’s economy – But you don’t understand new technology. And you don’t understand ANWR oil. You might expect drilling for oil in a pristine wildlife refuge to have drastic repercussions on the fragile ecosystem of the arctic coastal plain – But you don’t understand new technology, and you know nothing about ANWR oil. You might think the enormous, expansive infrastructure needed to extract and deliver oil from the arctic to the American consumer would be devastating to the wilderness of ANWR. But you don’t know anything. You probably think there’s no way the relatively small volume of oil from ANWR could save us from terrorism and make America safe again – but you don’t know anything about ANWR oil. You’ve probably been reading some of those lies spread by the tree huggers who have consistently bashed and beaten the American economy into a pitiful submission. You probably think a few thousand caribou and a great wilderness will be ruined in order that some struggling transnational corporation might continue it’s fight for survival in the brutal and harsh world of the economic market. But you don’t know anything.

Here are the facts: the oil from ANWR could easily lower gas prices, not just by a few cents per dollar, as those enviro-gangstahs would have us believe, but possibly by more than $3.00 a barrel. That’s right, the oil from ANWR could probably lower the price you pay at the pump to fill up your Hummer to under a $1.00 a gallon – probably around 0.87 cents a gallon, by my reckoning. Food prices would decrease. We could all use regular plastic bags at the grocery store instead of those ugly and cumbersome re-usable canvas bags, and live like “normal people” once again, by my reckoning. We wouldn’t have to recycle, we could just dump all our trash in one can, and have it hauled away somewhere. The housing market would recover, people forced from their homes by a suffocating economy could have their homes back, by my reckoning. The American economy would soar like an eagle. The world economy would rise to magical new heights. ANWR oil could lower gas prices, lower world crude oil prices, save the global economy, could reduce, if not completely negate, any dependence on Middle East terrorists, indeed all terrorists, and make the US, indeed the entire world, a safer place. ANWR oil could solve the illegal immigration problem, help reduce world poverty and hunger, wipe out Malaria, could guarantee every child receives a decent education, could reunite the Beatles, and remove ALL Reality TV from the networks. ANWR oil could fix Donald Trump’s hair. ANWR oil could make the coastal plain of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge a more beautiful place, could help us eliminate the spreading oil currently polluting the earth beneath the tundra, and could help give the oil industry a fair footing in the fight against the evils of these super powerful, all-pervasive environmentalists.

ANWR oil is superior in every way to normal oil. It’s not just oil, it’s magical, mythical, SUPER oil. You’ll see.

With American gas prices surging recently (I paid nearly $6.00 a gallon 2 weeks ago, on my way to the richest oil field in America), and Congress doing, as usual, nothing, I decided to do I always do – take matters into my own hands. These bureaucrats couldn’t sh** if you gave them a bucket of laxatives, and so the job must fall onto someone else’s shoulders. The sh** hit the fan, so to speak, and I knew I would have to do something. I’d venture forth and find the answers myself, and do what I could to help America. I decided to drill ANWR myself, and see what I found. I bought the latest in drilling equipment, and headed to the arctic, to the magical place of ANWR and it’s rich, flowing oil:
drilling for oil in anwr

And it’s hard and dangerous work.
drilling for oil in anwr

As you can see, it took some work. I had to try a few locations on the coastal plain.
drilling for oil anwr

Nope – No oil here.
drilling for oil, no luck, anwr

Dig deeper Carl, You have to save the American economy. Dig deeper, drill harder. DRILL DEEPER!!
drilling oil anwr

and .. Finally, BINGO!!!
oil in anwr

Now, pump it up to the surface:
pump anwr oil

Bottle it:
vial of anwr oil

And Carl has the prize! One vial of super addictive, mythical ANWR oil!
carl and anwr oil

You’ve heard how much damage the drilling can do to the ecosystem, how the infrastructure needed for drilling will destroy the tundra, right? Wrong. Check out the latest in oil pumping technology. This rig can pump over 1 BILLION barrels of oil a day.
oil pumping station in anwr

If required, the footprint of a pumping station can be lowered even further.
small oil pumping station in anwr

You think pumping oil will ruin the wilderness environment of it’s wild character? Hardly! Compare the size of the pumping station to my distant tent:
pumping station and tent, anwr

The footprint is negligible, a marginal impact, at worst. Wanna see the footprint after the pump station is removed? See for yourself – ACTUAL footprints from an ANWR drilling rig:
footprint drilling station, anwr

You want safety? You want freedom from terrorists? How’s this for feeling safe? You think anyone ever felt safer?
safety in anwr

You’ve heard about the Sweet, Light Crude Oil of Saudi Arabia? Well, it doesn’t even come close to ANWR oil. Look at this stuff:
oil in anwr.

ANWR oil is so Sweet and Light, you can drink straight from the vial.
oil in anwr

You can pour it in your coffee.
oil in coffee, anwr

If you really hit a sweet spot, the crude oil is so sweet, so beautiful, so magical, you can put it in your oatmeal.
oil in oatmeal, anwr

ANWR oil works as a super steroid – check out this dive (not to mention that savage tan and that totally gunned-out body!):
diving in the Canning river, anwr

ANWR oil is so magical, so pure, so immaculate, it can be used as a form of birth control. But I won’t show you any of those pictures.

Cheers

Carl

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22 thoughts on “The Golden Oil of ANWR – it’s over!

  1. Musa

    Hmmm, at first I wondered had that midnight sun rattled our Carl’s brain, had the billionth mosquito bight sucked all sense and sensibility from our intrepid adventurer might next he be trapping the last of the chugach wolverines? but no then I read on and realized it was just his usual dry wit….. though one wonders how easy it will be for him to get a permit to guide another trip into the vast wilderness should the man becomes upset over his postings….. nice shot of the musk ox by the way, but hey no large bones for me to chew on…..

  2. Pete

    Carl,

    You must have had waaaayyyy too much time on your hands after that bear incident in Yakutat to dream this up! 🙂 Where can one get a coffee mug like yours? 🙂

    – Pete

  3. Pete Zwiers

    Carl,

    You must have had waaaayyyy too much time on your hands after that bear incident in Yakutat to dream this up! Where can one get a coffee mug like yours? 🙂

    – Pete

  4. Carl Donohue

    Hey Pete,

    Speaking of WAYYY too much time .. how much do you have to post the same reply twice? 🙂

    Hey Ron,

    Thanks man – Like they say, I work for the money. 🙂

    Hey Musa,

    ‘our carl’???

    Cheers

    Carl

  5. Neil Donohue

    Hey Carl,
    You better delete this post before George Bush sees it because he’ll think its gospel and have them up there drilling straightaway. Remember he went to war with Iraq on far less evidence than this.

    On a positive note, I think thats the best dive I’ve ever seen you do, subject to your entry which, as we don’t get to see it, might have been a bit of an anti-climax.

    Cheers,
    Dad

  6. Carl Donohue

    Hey Dad,

    Thanks – Somehow I don’t think George will read it. 🙂

    As for the dive, what makes you think I ever ‘entered’ the water – with a take-off like that, I may well have cleared the river. 🙂

    Cheers

    Carl

  7. Mark

    I was really hoping you could hold out a bit longer there buddy. But noooooo, you had to go and sample the stash. It is one thing for drug dealers to try and expand their markets and sources, but you had to go and actually dip into it yourself. You won’t be able to think clearly now, that sh*t messes with your head.

  8. Mark H

    Thanks for the in-depth, no spin reporting, Carl.

    Keep up the good work and may the god of your choice bless you.

  9. Carl Donohue

    Hey Folks,

    Thanks all for the replies, I appreciate it. Guy, stay tuned – trust me, the off-shore report will be riveting.

    Mark G, any dealer worth a darn knows his product – hence i had to try it out.

    Cheers

    Carl

  10. Stan Rose

    I laughed so hard my nose bled. Im sooo ready now that you’ve prepped me for the harsh Alaskan summers to get up there and pump some of my own ANWR crude!

  11. Pingback: Too cold for off-shore drilling. - Stock Photos - Skolai Images

  12. Beth Lunsford

    You have lost your mind. But just wait, in a few months George will have them up there, drilling away. I hope he bombs Irans’ nuclear sites first. I’m tired of hearing that haji myself!

  13. Pete Bengeyfield

    I knew you’d sold out when I saw your shot on that pro-oil propaganda.

    Great idea. Thanks. Must be the long days….

  14. Erika

    Hi Carl,

    Great story. I split my sides laughing!
    What a treat to be a part of it. Is that oil safe for diabetics?

    Erika

  15. Carl Donohue

    Hey Erika

    I knew you’d get a kick out of it – thanks so much for your help with the photos.

    The oil is actually a cure of diabetes – but nobody is quite sure how much to administer at this point, or the best method to do so – perhaps a needle and a spoon?

    Thanks everyone for their comments.

    Cheers

    Carl

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